CSI: Hard Evidence
CSI: Hard Evidence is terrible. Just, awful in every way. So instead of reviewing it, I'll be reviewing an imaginary version that exists only in my mind of what should have been a cool game. Differences between my imagined game and the actual game will be italicized.
****
CSI: Hard Evidence is the latest installment in the critically acclaimed, hugely popular series of investigation games based on television's #1 show. In the game, you're the latest recruit to the Las Vegas Crime Scene squad, and in the game, you'll have to solve five delightfully demented mysteries, following the evidence to a proper conclusion.
The graphics are passable, with crisp resolutions and detailed scenes, conducive to actually investigating the tiniest detail in pursuit of the criminal. The game looks great, natively rendered in glorious 1080i with several pre-rendered cutscenes showing the investigator's current suggested scenarios for how it went down.
After being introduced to each crime scene, you have to start collecting evidence. To do so, you use an intuitive interface, holding down the right trigger to bring up a wheel with the various tools of your lab kit, selecting the tool using the right stick, then releasing the trigger to start working on the scene. The left trigger brings up the cell phone you use to call the Lieutenant to request warrants or place APBs, or to call other members of the CSI who are specialists in their field (of course, at any time, you can take over for them and accomplish the task faster).
The brilliance of the game is that in each level there are a number of suspects (the suspect list is the same in every game), but the evidence will lead to a different culprit each time, using a series of rotating location and interrogation clues.
You are able to interact with and process a startling amount of information at each of the scenes, some of which is a total red herring, and some of which is vital to the case; however, what is a red herring this playthrough could be a vital clue the next time through.
The music and ambient noise is a fine complement all around, mixing slightly urban instrumentals with the show's actual soundtrack and effects work, and the voice acting is provided by all the principal cast members as well as a few "guest stars" just like the show (we won't spoil who they are, but one is a common haunter of the environs of Las Vegas).
While the different "mini-games" for processing evidence aren't terribly deep, they do require a bit of skill and a keen eye; thankfully you are able to progress at least to the next section without every single shred of evidence, though warrants and confessions may be tougher to come by, though there is the tiniest bit of wiggle room.
Most impressive, though, is the ability to reach a false conclusion. At the end of the case, there's a denoumant that explains (with classic CSI flashbacks) how the crime went down, although in some cases, there's an overwhelming amount of evidence against one person, and you are able to get an arrest warrant for them, because a piece of exculpatory evidence was missed. In these cases, you'll see a quick screen explaining how the killer was set free (and receive a poor review grade and miss the achievement). The scary possibility of sending innocent people to jail because you screwed up is integral to making CSI a winner instead of a boring point-n-click farce where the interrogations have no dialog trees, you're just required to press A every so often.
Graphics (Imaginary Good Game Score in Parentheses): Agressively bad - muddy textures in a pixel-hunting game, and often times completely black swaths with no way to illuminate them contribute to a painful experience (the crisp colors and ability to use blacklights or a traditional flashlight make the game challenging but not limited) 1 (4)
Sound: Great effects and music (the original cast and a few "stunt voices" make a cool bonus) 4 (5)
Controls: Mean-spiritedly obtuse, making no use of any buttons except A and LB, ever. (intuitive and clever, with slick animations) 1 (5)
Tilt: An unfun chore - you're better off just watching the show (expands on the show and puts you in the middle of the action) 1 (4)
Overall (not an average): 1 (4)
Friday, April 16, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Frogger
Frogger
Frogger is exactly what it has always been: a very-low-input game about patience and exactitude. Digital Eclipse, the company largely responsible for these no-effort ports onto XBox Live's Arcade, basically did a sprite-swap, and despite looking a thousand times better than its original blocky state, they actually managed to make it worse.
The gameplay is the same: You're a frog. A frog who can't swim, but still a frog. And you're on a highway median. You need to cross a highway that is extraordinarily poorly designed, with traffic flow reversed from lane to lane, and vehicles that are clearly not street-legal (like bulldozers and salt-flat racers) zipping along. Then, turtles attempting to qualify for a synchronized swimming team will assist you in getting from log to log, and if you play your cards right, you'll end up at home with a little lady frog to make you some hot cocoa.
Where Digital Eclipse goes wrong is in offering an upgraded graphics option. While it's nice to have more detailed backgrounds and pretty sprites for the various objects, high-level Frogger play is about very exacting jumps, weaving between traffic with only pixels to spare. The "upgraded graphics" add just enough blurryness, just enough questionability to the range which is "safely on the log" versus the range that qualifies as "in the water, start over froggy" that you end up having to simply turn off the upgraded mode. The most frustrating jumps relate to the Frog Homes, which now have rounded-off edges that make judging the center much more difficult.
Overall, the game is a fun diversion, and while depth was never the strong point of early-80s arcade classics, you and George Constanza would both be well-served in giving Frogger a shot in this millenium, if only to piss off Jeff Minter.
As a side note, this will be the last dailyreview article until the last week of the year, as I am going on holiday to play a whole bunch of games and refresh my opinions on a few before posting reviews.
Graphics: Upgraded graphics are prettier (at least SNES quality), but destroy high-level play. 2.
Sound: Chiptunes and public-domain piano licks were weak 20 years ago. 1.
Controls: The left stick stands in amenably for an arcade joystick. 3.
Tilt: Disposable and cheap, just like a true arcade classic. 2.
Overall (not an average): 2.
Frogger is exactly what it has always been: a very-low-input game about patience and exactitude. Digital Eclipse, the company largely responsible for these no-effort ports onto XBox Live's Arcade, basically did a sprite-swap, and despite looking a thousand times better than its original blocky state, they actually managed to make it worse.
The gameplay is the same: You're a frog. A frog who can't swim, but still a frog. And you're on a highway median. You need to cross a highway that is extraordinarily poorly designed, with traffic flow reversed from lane to lane, and vehicles that are clearly not street-legal (like bulldozers and salt-flat racers) zipping along. Then, turtles attempting to qualify for a synchronized swimming team will assist you in getting from log to log, and if you play your cards right, you'll end up at home with a little lady frog to make you some hot cocoa.
Where Digital Eclipse goes wrong is in offering an upgraded graphics option. While it's nice to have more detailed backgrounds and pretty sprites for the various objects, high-level Frogger play is about very exacting jumps, weaving between traffic with only pixels to spare. The "upgraded graphics" add just enough blurryness, just enough questionability to the range which is "safely on the log" versus the range that qualifies as "in the water, start over froggy" that you end up having to simply turn off the upgraded mode. The most frustrating jumps relate to the Frog Homes, which now have rounded-off edges that make judging the center much more difficult.
Overall, the game is a fun diversion, and while depth was never the strong point of early-80s arcade classics, you and George Constanza would both be well-served in giving Frogger a shot in this millenium, if only to piss off Jeff Minter.
As a side note, this will be the last dailyreview article until the last week of the year, as I am going on holiday to play a whole bunch of games and refresh my opinions on a few before posting reviews.
Graphics: Upgraded graphics are prettier (at least SNES quality), but destroy high-level play. 2.
Sound: Chiptunes and public-domain piano licks were weak 20 years ago. 1.
Controls: The left stick stands in amenably for an arcade joystick. 3.
Tilt: Disposable and cheap, just like a true arcade classic. 2.
Overall (not an average): 2.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Boogie Bunnies
Boogie Bunnies
Boogie Bunnies is deeply, deeply flawed. It's unfun on a primal level, uses a common new technique in the exact wrong way, and sucks all the life out of what is supposed to be a puzzle game and injects it with insipidness instead. It's a chore to play or play well, and "multiplayer" essentially boils down to yelling at your buddy over and over because you think you know better.
...
...
What? Are you waiting for the "but, it's fantastic!"? There isn't one.
Boogie Bunnies does pretty much everything wrong en route to a traveshamockery of an arcade puzzle game. Even the load screen is terrible, overindulgent and mostly way too long. The graphics (never a key point in any puzzle game) are agressively bad. They're about on par with an SNES game, and while that wouldn't normally be a breaking point, the game makes central to its concept that these bunnies, who apparently are Extremist Muslims, as they are ecstatic to be blown up and sent to their final reward whenever three or more of them are together spend half their time dancing, spinning and chirping. Due to the quasi-3-D design, this causes you to be unable to tell which bunnies are in which row, and the color sceme (various pastels and cool colors like blue, purple and teal right next to each other) does you no favors. This 'visual pollution' is all the rage nowadays in puzzlers, and while there's a correct time to use it, Boogie Bunnies proves that there is also a worst time to use it, and that time is any time you are playing Boogie Bunnies.
The music is somehow even worse than the dodgy graphics, as there's a romping, jovial side-scrolling game's music wedged in as the default music. This song is forty-five seconds long, and then it repeats, while squeaky-voiced bunnies chirp through three or four sayings endlessly. The "boogie" part of the game comes in when, at seemingly random moments, they start dancing to a eurobeat sound that crawled out of 1999's butthole to torture your ears. Best of all, the bunnies all "YIPPEE!!" whenever their ranks are thinned via a combo or two.
Controlling the bunnies, when they aren't dancing and actively confusing your attempts to fire, is actually not terrible, and it's the one place this game innovates in a good way. You can move your bunny along the bottom to the column you want, or up the sides and fire into the row you want. It's a neat trick and handy for generating the long combos you're looking for to fill up your boogie meter and move on to the next stage, each time hoping it is the end of our long national nightmare of boogeying rabbits.
Overall, I have to say, there is definitely a market for a breezy, light game about retarded bunnies that dance like idiots. But that market is solely occupied by Rayman Raving Rabbids, and Boogie Bunnies isn't even on the same plane. If you're looking to set ten dollars on fire, just put a match to a Hamilton, tape it, and put the video on YouTube. It will be far more entertaining than actually playing Boogie Bunnies.
Graphics: Alternatingly retarded and infuriatingly incomprehensible. 1.
Sound: You'll wish your speakers were broken. 0.
Controls: Has some signs of innovation. 3.
Tilt: It's like Sierra made doo-doo butter in your mouth. 1.
Overall (not an average): 1.
Boogie Bunnies is deeply, deeply flawed. It's unfun on a primal level, uses a common new technique in the exact wrong way, and sucks all the life out of what is supposed to be a puzzle game and injects it with insipidness instead. It's a chore to play or play well, and "multiplayer" essentially boils down to yelling at your buddy over and over because you think you know better.
...
...
What? Are you waiting for the "but, it's fantastic!"? There isn't one.
Boogie Bunnies does pretty much everything wrong en route to a traveshamockery of an arcade puzzle game. Even the load screen is terrible, overindulgent and mostly way too long. The graphics (never a key point in any puzzle game) are agressively bad. They're about on par with an SNES game, and while that wouldn't normally be a breaking point, the game makes central to its concept that these bunnies, who apparently are Extremist Muslims, as they are ecstatic to be blown up and sent to their final reward whenever three or more of them are together spend half their time dancing, spinning and chirping. Due to the quasi-3-D design, this causes you to be unable to tell which bunnies are in which row, and the color sceme (various pastels and cool colors like blue, purple and teal right next to each other) does you no favors. This 'visual pollution' is all the rage nowadays in puzzlers, and while there's a correct time to use it, Boogie Bunnies proves that there is also a worst time to use it, and that time is any time you are playing Boogie Bunnies.
The music is somehow even worse than the dodgy graphics, as there's a romping, jovial side-scrolling game's music wedged in as the default music. This song is forty-five seconds long, and then it repeats, while squeaky-voiced bunnies chirp through three or four sayings endlessly. The "boogie" part of the game comes in when, at seemingly random moments, they start dancing to a eurobeat sound that crawled out of 1999's butthole to torture your ears. Best of all, the bunnies all "YIPPEE!!" whenever their ranks are thinned via a combo or two.
Controlling the bunnies, when they aren't dancing and actively confusing your attempts to fire, is actually not terrible, and it's the one place this game innovates in a good way. You can move your bunny along the bottom to the column you want, or up the sides and fire into the row you want. It's a neat trick and handy for generating the long combos you're looking for to fill up your boogie meter and move on to the next stage, each time hoping it is the end of our long national nightmare of boogeying rabbits.
Overall, I have to say, there is definitely a market for a breezy, light game about retarded bunnies that dance like idiots. But that market is solely occupied by Rayman Raving Rabbids, and Boogie Bunnies isn't even on the same plane. If you're looking to set ten dollars on fire, just put a match to a Hamilton, tape it, and put the video on YouTube. It will be far more entertaining than actually playing Boogie Bunnies.
Graphics: Alternatingly retarded and infuriatingly incomprehensible. 1.
Sound: You'll wish your speakers were broken. 0.
Controls: Has some signs of innovation. 3.
Tilt: It's like Sierra made doo-doo butter in your mouth. 1.
Overall (not an average): 1.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
TMNT
TMNT
Ahh, a movie tie-in game. Fantastic, time to rip this game a new--what? It's not terrible in every way? Oh, well then I'll slag it down for late-era PS2 graphi-- eh? It's a joy to look at? Well then, time to rip it apart for its piss-easy challenge- what, not going to cut me off? Oh, it does take four hours to finish start-to-end with no replay. Well then.
The new TMNT movie was suprisingly good; not nearly as much so as the original Elias Koteas vehicle (which holds up shockingly well today, especially the puppetry), but an exceptional bright spot on the long, CGI-laden wave of 'kiddy flicks.' The game is no different- it's pleasant enough, above average with a few shameless nods to better games, but does nothing to really make it a hidden gem.
Graphically it moves like a Ninja Gaiden; most of the animations make you feel like a gimped Ryu Hayabusa, which is not the worst thing they could've shot for. There's great subtle color-coded pathing to keep you headed towards the path you need to be on (though it's mostly pointless as unfortunately TMNT is a game world where two-foot high bushes and chain-link fences make effective walls against masters of ninjitsu. The game employs a sort of quasi-cel-shaded effect for the characters, and bears a pretty effective likeness to the movie, which you basically replay over a few hours time.
The sound effects are pretty much canned through-and-through, and while Splinter's occasional voice-over hints are nicely done, the constant angsty internal monologue the turtles keep during gameplay is aggrivating. Music is straight from the movie's soundtrack, with no throwbacks to either the beat-em-up or cartoon that spawned it. This is a game determined to ignore its pedigree.
Controlling the turtles is actually pretty fun the first time through- they have wall-running, sheer-rock-face-climbing and nunchuck-wave-gliding down and it is fun to do. Unfortunately, you'll spend most of your time just holding up and running forward. Absent any real challenge (enemies only spawn at pre-set "Fight Scene" locations), you're left with a long slog through pretty and generally non-repetitive but completely useless hallways.
In the end, with about five hours of boring gameplay, TMNT ends up being a very pretty, very long interactive movie. I heartily recommend watching the new movie, but the new game gets a pass - unless you're an achievement grinder, as every achievement is storyline-based and you will get all 1000G from a single evening's gameplay.
Graphics: The game shines here, the locations are varied and well-integrated with the design ethic. 4.
Sound: Repetitive sword-swings and "hi-ya!"s when you jump get old fast. 1.
Controls: Actually pretty fun, but the lack of a chance to test your skills gimps it. 2.
Tilt: Challenge-free fun. Play it for a night on a rental or GameFly, never think of it again. 1.
Overall (not an average): 1
Ahh, a movie tie-in game. Fantastic, time to rip this game a new--what? It's not terrible in every way? Oh, well then I'll slag it down for late-era PS2 graphi-- eh? It's a joy to look at? Well then, time to rip it apart for its piss-easy challenge- what, not going to cut me off? Oh, it does take four hours to finish start-to-end with no replay. Well then.
The new TMNT movie was suprisingly good; not nearly as much so as the original Elias Koteas vehicle (which holds up shockingly well today, especially the puppetry), but an exceptional bright spot on the long, CGI-laden wave of 'kiddy flicks.' The game is no different- it's pleasant enough, above average with a few shameless nods to better games, but does nothing to really make it a hidden gem.
Graphically it moves like a Ninja Gaiden; most of the animations make you feel like a gimped Ryu Hayabusa, which is not the worst thing they could've shot for. There's great subtle color-coded pathing to keep you headed towards the path you need to be on (though it's mostly pointless as unfortunately TMNT is a game world where two-foot high bushes and chain-link fences make effective walls against masters of ninjitsu. The game employs a sort of quasi-cel-shaded effect for the characters, and bears a pretty effective likeness to the movie, which you basically replay over a few hours time.
The sound effects are pretty much canned through-and-through, and while Splinter's occasional voice-over hints are nicely done, the constant angsty internal monologue the turtles keep during gameplay is aggrivating. Music is straight from the movie's soundtrack, with no throwbacks to either the beat-em-up or cartoon that spawned it. This is a game determined to ignore its pedigree.
Controlling the turtles is actually pretty fun the first time through- they have wall-running, sheer-rock-face-climbing and nunchuck-wave-gliding down and it is fun to do. Unfortunately, you'll spend most of your time just holding up and running forward. Absent any real challenge (enemies only spawn at pre-set "Fight Scene" locations), you're left with a long slog through pretty and generally non-repetitive but completely useless hallways.
In the end, with about five hours of boring gameplay, TMNT ends up being a very pretty, very long interactive movie. I heartily recommend watching the new movie, but the new game gets a pass - unless you're an achievement grinder, as every achievement is storyline-based and you will get all 1000G from a single evening's gameplay.
Graphics: The game shines here, the locations are varied and well-integrated with the design ethic. 4.
Sound: Repetitive sword-swings and "hi-ya!"s when you jump get old fast. 1.
Controls: Actually pretty fun, but the lack of a chance to test your skills gimps it. 2.
Tilt: Challenge-free fun. Play it for a night on a rental or GameFly, never think of it again. 1.
Overall (not an average): 1
Monday, April 12, 2010
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1989 Arcade
TMNT 1989 Arcade
There's something about a well-crafted beat-'em-up that's just timeless. Endless goons, fun animations and a solid strategy that exists at a higher level if you want to find it, that makes for an excellent Saturday afternoon at the mall with a pocketful of quarters. Digital Eclipse get shit on a lot for no-effort ports to XBLA, but with the TMNT Arcade, they managed to get everything important right, and restore honor to this game after the terrible NES port all those years ago.
The plot is pretty straightforward, and should be familiar to any child of the 80's: Shredder has kidnapped April, and the titular turtles must rescue her and defeat Shredder. The colors are vibrant and there is no slowdown or clipping, remnants of the limitations of the NES port from days of yore. The sprites run around in 2.5-D, slashing and throwing Foot Clan soldiers on their way to the Technodrome. The bosses look great, colorful and oversized with their trademark voice samples intact.
The music is a faithful recreation of the original arcade's tunes, reworking the original TV series's thirty-second song into several compositions. Slashes and explosions are just as you remember them, too, but no mastering for surround-sound systems (a fault to hold against Digital Eclipse, I suppose). While the music is nostalgic and all, I can't help but wonder if another company with a little more effort might have created new arrangements to give each stage more of a personality.
Controlling the turtles on the 360 is a breeze, but there is no button mapping available. Thankfully, the attack and jump buttons are all you use, so there isn't too much fault to be had (unlike, say, TRON, which tried and failed to emulate a dial-wheel controller), and while oddly the netcode is unforgiving to HPBs and their dial-up connections, lag is throttled by a full-party pause rather than clipping and creating more problems.
There isn't too much to say about this game: the tight controls, solid beat-em-up street cred and nostalgia for a simpler age of play does what it wants, and does it well. 'Drop in-Drop Out' play would be welcome, but doesn't jibe with the 20-credits-to-beat-the-game plan the game lays out for you. Fun Fact: TMNT 1989 was the first Arcade game to have Secret Achievements, with 1 for 0 G ("In the Dark"). I wish I could give this game a 3, but it just doesn't innovate enough. A faithful port, but at the end of the day, it is exactly the game you played as a kid.
Graphics: Exactly as you remember them; top-notch SNES level sprites. 3.
Sound: Faithfully recreated, but doesn't try to do anything fancy. 3.
Controls: No button-mapping and occasional laggy netcode. 2.
Tilt: It's a relaxing stroll through the Turtles world, but offers little replay. 3.
Overall (not an average): 2.
There's something about a well-crafted beat-'em-up that's just timeless. Endless goons, fun animations and a solid strategy that exists at a higher level if you want to find it, that makes for an excellent Saturday afternoon at the mall with a pocketful of quarters. Digital Eclipse get shit on a lot for no-effort ports to XBLA, but with the TMNT Arcade, they managed to get everything important right, and restore honor to this game after the terrible NES port all those years ago.
The plot is pretty straightforward, and should be familiar to any child of the 80's: Shredder has kidnapped April, and the titular turtles must rescue her and defeat Shredder. The colors are vibrant and there is no slowdown or clipping, remnants of the limitations of the NES port from days of yore. The sprites run around in 2.5-D, slashing and throwing Foot Clan soldiers on their way to the Technodrome. The bosses look great, colorful and oversized with their trademark voice samples intact.
The music is a faithful recreation of the original arcade's tunes, reworking the original TV series's thirty-second song into several compositions. Slashes and explosions are just as you remember them, too, but no mastering for surround-sound systems (a fault to hold against Digital Eclipse, I suppose). While the music is nostalgic and all, I can't help but wonder if another company with a little more effort might have created new arrangements to give each stage more of a personality.
Controlling the turtles on the 360 is a breeze, but there is no button mapping available. Thankfully, the attack and jump buttons are all you use, so there isn't too much fault to be had (unlike, say, TRON, which tried and failed to emulate a dial-wheel controller), and while oddly the netcode is unforgiving to HPBs and their dial-up connections, lag is throttled by a full-party pause rather than clipping and creating more problems.
There isn't too much to say about this game: the tight controls, solid beat-em-up street cred and nostalgia for a simpler age of play does what it wants, and does it well. 'Drop in-Drop Out' play would be welcome, but doesn't jibe with the 20-credits-to-beat-the-game plan the game lays out for you. Fun Fact: TMNT 1989 was the first Arcade game to have Secret Achievements, with 1 for 0 G ("In the Dark"). I wish I could give this game a 3, but it just doesn't innovate enough. A faithful port, but at the end of the day, it is exactly the game you played as a kid.
Graphics: Exactly as you remember them; top-notch SNES level sprites. 3.
Sound: Faithfully recreated, but doesn't try to do anything fancy. 3.
Controls: No button-mapping and occasional laggy netcode. 2.
Tilt: It's a relaxing stroll through the Turtles world, but offers little replay. 3.
Overall (not an average): 2.
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