The Secret of Monkey Island: Special Edition
So you've got your gang in high school. You're all nerds, you play Magic at lunch, you get together for marathon D&D sessions that run from the last school bell on Friday until everyone passes out from O.C. (Cheetos Overdose) sometime Sunday afternoon. Life is good, and you are happy with your gang. Then something happens. You grow up a little. Puberty hits, you discover girls, start working out with the baseball team. Your friend in electronics classes starts taking early enrollment at community college to knock out his Electrical Engineering degree faster. Your computer buddy starts working tech support at an ISP. But one friend is still wearing ratty "WIZARD!" t-shirts and quoting Monty Python loudly in the halls at you. When he stubs his toe, he yells out "CROM!" instead of a normal swear, and you cringe a little. He still has his birth-control glasses taped together and a Terry Pratchett book sticking out of his back pocket. You don't invite him to your party, and slowly the gang drifts away from him.
Secret of Monkey Island is that friend.
People bemoan the death of adventure games all the time, and when they pine for the genre, make sure they ask a 13-year old today to play this game with no rose colored glasses. Guaranteed they won't make it past the "oh-so-hilarious rabid death poodles."
Sandwich-style review here, a piece of praise in between two complaints: the Special Edition of this game is a great update. I hope someone at Digital Eclipse plays this game and weeps silently in the corner for an hour. Even though you can play this game in all its pixelly glory, it has been repainted and updated with new sprites and full voice acting from everyone in the game, from real voice talent like Rob Paulsen. This is how you update a game: lovingly recreate everything in full HD with music and voice upgrades.
Unfortunately (bottom slice of bread here), Monkey Island's secret is that it isn't very good. While the writing can be clever in spots, it overall is just as groan-inducing as that friend from the first paragraph. While the game is good-natured and never strikes so wrong a note as to upset you, it just never appealed to my sense of humor.
The gameplay is what sinks this game, though. There is so much game-length-padding backtracking going on, and sadly you're forced to watch Guybrush walk through the same four environments over and over, especially the slow-zooming "just got here" part of the animation. You can try and queue up "go here" buttons, but it still is simply terminal how slow the game plays. Compounded with inscrutable puzzles that require you to "think like the developer" instead of having a sane solution may make you feel like the smartest nerd at the Star Trek convention when you get them, but are just annoying when you spend a half-hour trying everything and failing.
At one point you have to adjust a fulcrum and rock setup, then go up some stairs and drop another rock on it. If you miss your target, you have to go back down the stairs, push or pull the lever, then go back up and pick up another rock, set it down, then push it again. Pure trial-and-error gaming; Record your results in your copybook, now.
It turns what is a fairly smartly-written game into a slog of trial-and-error and kills any of the exploration joy you feel when you have to keep dealing with setbacks that are asinine and dealt with by game designers in the decades since this game's release.
Graphics: No complaints, this game is gorgeous. 4.
Sound: Again, hits the perfect note. Great and varied voice acting. 5.
Controls: Why can't you cycle through commands? Other than that, acceptable. 3.
Tilt: A breezy and fun game, sunk by atrocious, ancient gameplay. 0.
Overall (not an average): 1.
Showing posts with label Overall 1. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Overall 1. Show all posts
Friday, January 28, 2011
Friday, April 16, 2010
CSI: Hard Evidence
CSI: Hard Evidence
CSI: Hard Evidence is terrible. Just, awful in every way. So instead of reviewing it, I'll be reviewing an imaginary version that exists only in my mind of what should have been a cool game. Differences between my imagined game and the actual game will be italicized.
****
CSI: Hard Evidence is the latest installment in the critically acclaimed, hugely popular series of investigation games based on television's #1 show. In the game, you're the latest recruit to the Las Vegas Crime Scene squad, and in the game, you'll have to solve five delightfully demented mysteries, following the evidence to a proper conclusion.
The graphics are passable, with crisp resolutions and detailed scenes, conducive to actually investigating the tiniest detail in pursuit of the criminal. The game looks great, natively rendered in glorious 1080i with several pre-rendered cutscenes showing the investigator's current suggested scenarios for how it went down.
After being introduced to each crime scene, you have to start collecting evidence. To do so, you use an intuitive interface, holding down the right trigger to bring up a wheel with the various tools of your lab kit, selecting the tool using the right stick, then releasing the trigger to start working on the scene. The left trigger brings up the cell phone you use to call the Lieutenant to request warrants or place APBs, or to call other members of the CSI who are specialists in their field (of course, at any time, you can take over for them and accomplish the task faster).
The brilliance of the game is that in each level there are a number of suspects (the suspect list is the same in every game), but the evidence will lead to a different culprit each time, using a series of rotating location and interrogation clues.
You are able to interact with and process a startling amount of information at each of the scenes, some of which is a total red herring, and some of which is vital to the case; however, what is a red herring this playthrough could be a vital clue the next time through.
The music and ambient noise is a fine complement all around, mixing slightly urban instrumentals with the show's actual soundtrack and effects work, and the voice acting is provided by all the principal cast members as well as a few "guest stars" just like the show (we won't spoil who they are, but one is a common haunter of the environs of Las Vegas).
While the different "mini-games" for processing evidence aren't terribly deep, they do require a bit of skill and a keen eye; thankfully you are able to progress at least to the next section without every single shred of evidence, though warrants and confessions may be tougher to come by, though there is the tiniest bit of wiggle room.
Most impressive, though, is the ability to reach a false conclusion. At the end of the case, there's a denoumant that explains (with classic CSI flashbacks) how the crime went down, although in some cases, there's an overwhelming amount of evidence against one person, and you are able to get an arrest warrant for them, because a piece of exculpatory evidence was missed. In these cases, you'll see a quick screen explaining how the killer was set free (and receive a poor review grade and miss the achievement). The scary possibility of sending innocent people to jail because you screwed up is integral to making CSI a winner instead of a boring point-n-click farce where the interrogations have no dialog trees, you're just required to press A every so often.
Graphics (Imaginary Good Game Score in Parentheses): Agressively bad - muddy textures in a pixel-hunting game, and often times completely black swaths with no way to illuminate them contribute to a painful experience (the crisp colors and ability to use blacklights or a traditional flashlight make the game challenging but not limited) 1 (4)
Sound: Great effects and music (the original cast and a few "stunt voices" make a cool bonus) 4 (5)
Controls: Mean-spiritedly obtuse, making no use of any buttons except A and LB, ever. (intuitive and clever, with slick animations) 1 (5)
Tilt: An unfun chore - you're better off just watching the show (expands on the show and puts you in the middle of the action) 1 (4)
Overall (not an average): 1 (4)
CSI: Hard Evidence is terrible. Just, awful in every way. So instead of reviewing it, I'll be reviewing an imaginary version that exists only in my mind of what should have been a cool game. Differences between my imagined game and the actual game will be italicized.
****
CSI: Hard Evidence is the latest installment in the critically acclaimed, hugely popular series of investigation games based on television's #1 show. In the game, you're the latest recruit to the Las Vegas Crime Scene squad, and in the game, you'll have to solve five delightfully demented mysteries, following the evidence to a proper conclusion.
The graphics are passable, with crisp resolutions and detailed scenes, conducive to actually investigating the tiniest detail in pursuit of the criminal. The game looks great, natively rendered in glorious 1080i with several pre-rendered cutscenes showing the investigator's current suggested scenarios for how it went down.
After being introduced to each crime scene, you have to start collecting evidence. To do so, you use an intuitive interface, holding down the right trigger to bring up a wheel with the various tools of your lab kit, selecting the tool using the right stick, then releasing the trigger to start working on the scene. The left trigger brings up the cell phone you use to call the Lieutenant to request warrants or place APBs, or to call other members of the CSI who are specialists in their field (of course, at any time, you can take over for them and accomplish the task faster).
The brilliance of the game is that in each level there are a number of suspects (the suspect list is the same in every game), but the evidence will lead to a different culprit each time, using a series of rotating location and interrogation clues.
You are able to interact with and process a startling amount of information at each of the scenes, some of which is a total red herring, and some of which is vital to the case; however, what is a red herring this playthrough could be a vital clue the next time through.
The music and ambient noise is a fine complement all around, mixing slightly urban instrumentals with the show's actual soundtrack and effects work, and the voice acting is provided by all the principal cast members as well as a few "guest stars" just like the show (we won't spoil who they are, but one is a common haunter of the environs of Las Vegas).
While the different "mini-games" for processing evidence aren't terribly deep, they do require a bit of skill and a keen eye; thankfully you are able to progress at least to the next section without every single shred of evidence, though warrants and confessions may be tougher to come by, though there is the tiniest bit of wiggle room.
Most impressive, though, is the ability to reach a false conclusion. At the end of the case, there's a denoumant that explains (with classic CSI flashbacks) how the crime went down, although in some cases, there's an overwhelming amount of evidence against one person, and you are able to get an arrest warrant for them, because a piece of exculpatory evidence was missed. In these cases, you'll see a quick screen explaining how the killer was set free (and receive a poor review grade and miss the achievement). The scary possibility of sending innocent people to jail because you screwed up is integral to making CSI a winner instead of a boring point-n-click farce where the interrogations have no dialog trees, you're just required to press A every so often.
Graphics (Imaginary Good Game Score in Parentheses): Agressively bad - muddy textures in a pixel-hunting game, and often times completely black swaths with no way to illuminate them contribute to a painful experience (the crisp colors and ability to use blacklights or a traditional flashlight make the game challenging but not limited) 1 (4)
Sound: Great effects and music (the original cast and a few "stunt voices" make a cool bonus) 4 (5)
Controls: Mean-spiritedly obtuse, making no use of any buttons except A and LB, ever. (intuitive and clever, with slick animations) 1 (5)
Tilt: An unfun chore - you're better off just watching the show (expands on the show and puts you in the middle of the action) 1 (4)
Overall (not an average): 1 (4)
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Boogie Bunnies
Boogie Bunnies
Boogie Bunnies is deeply, deeply flawed. It's unfun on a primal level, uses a common new technique in the exact wrong way, and sucks all the life out of what is supposed to be a puzzle game and injects it with insipidness instead. It's a chore to play or play well, and "multiplayer" essentially boils down to yelling at your buddy over and over because you think you know better.
...
...
What? Are you waiting for the "but, it's fantastic!"? There isn't one.
Boogie Bunnies does pretty much everything wrong en route to a traveshamockery of an arcade puzzle game. Even the load screen is terrible, overindulgent and mostly way too long. The graphics (never a key point in any puzzle game) are agressively bad. They're about on par with an SNES game, and while that wouldn't normally be a breaking point, the game makes central to its concept that these bunnies, who apparently are Extremist Muslims, as they are ecstatic to be blown up and sent to their final reward whenever three or more of them are together spend half their time dancing, spinning and chirping. Due to the quasi-3-D design, this causes you to be unable to tell which bunnies are in which row, and the color sceme (various pastels and cool colors like blue, purple and teal right next to each other) does you no favors. This 'visual pollution' is all the rage nowadays in puzzlers, and while there's a correct time to use it, Boogie Bunnies proves that there is also a worst time to use it, and that time is any time you are playing Boogie Bunnies.
The music is somehow even worse than the dodgy graphics, as there's a romping, jovial side-scrolling game's music wedged in as the default music. This song is forty-five seconds long, and then it repeats, while squeaky-voiced bunnies chirp through three or four sayings endlessly. The "boogie" part of the game comes in when, at seemingly random moments, they start dancing to a eurobeat sound that crawled out of 1999's butthole to torture your ears. Best of all, the bunnies all "YIPPEE!!" whenever their ranks are thinned via a combo or two.
Controlling the bunnies, when they aren't dancing and actively confusing your attempts to fire, is actually not terrible, and it's the one place this game innovates in a good way. You can move your bunny along the bottom to the column you want, or up the sides and fire into the row you want. It's a neat trick and handy for generating the long combos you're looking for to fill up your boogie meter and move on to the next stage, each time hoping it is the end of our long national nightmare of boogeying rabbits.
Overall, I have to say, there is definitely a market for a breezy, light game about retarded bunnies that dance like idiots. But that market is solely occupied by Rayman Raving Rabbids, and Boogie Bunnies isn't even on the same plane. If you're looking to set ten dollars on fire, just put a match to a Hamilton, tape it, and put the video on YouTube. It will be far more entertaining than actually playing Boogie Bunnies.
Graphics: Alternatingly retarded and infuriatingly incomprehensible. 1.
Sound: You'll wish your speakers were broken. 0.
Controls: Has some signs of innovation. 3.
Tilt: It's like Sierra made doo-doo butter in your mouth. 1.
Overall (not an average): 1.
Boogie Bunnies is deeply, deeply flawed. It's unfun on a primal level, uses a common new technique in the exact wrong way, and sucks all the life out of what is supposed to be a puzzle game and injects it with insipidness instead. It's a chore to play or play well, and "multiplayer" essentially boils down to yelling at your buddy over and over because you think you know better.
...
...
What? Are you waiting for the "but, it's fantastic!"? There isn't one.
Boogie Bunnies does pretty much everything wrong en route to a traveshamockery of an arcade puzzle game. Even the load screen is terrible, overindulgent and mostly way too long. The graphics (never a key point in any puzzle game) are agressively bad. They're about on par with an SNES game, and while that wouldn't normally be a breaking point, the game makes central to its concept that these bunnies, who apparently are Extremist Muslims, as they are ecstatic to be blown up and sent to their final reward whenever three or more of them are together spend half their time dancing, spinning and chirping. Due to the quasi-3-D design, this causes you to be unable to tell which bunnies are in which row, and the color sceme (various pastels and cool colors like blue, purple and teal right next to each other) does you no favors. This 'visual pollution' is all the rage nowadays in puzzlers, and while there's a correct time to use it, Boogie Bunnies proves that there is also a worst time to use it, and that time is any time you are playing Boogie Bunnies.
The music is somehow even worse than the dodgy graphics, as there's a romping, jovial side-scrolling game's music wedged in as the default music. This song is forty-five seconds long, and then it repeats, while squeaky-voiced bunnies chirp through three or four sayings endlessly. The "boogie" part of the game comes in when, at seemingly random moments, they start dancing to a eurobeat sound that crawled out of 1999's butthole to torture your ears. Best of all, the bunnies all "YIPPEE!!" whenever their ranks are thinned via a combo or two.
Controlling the bunnies, when they aren't dancing and actively confusing your attempts to fire, is actually not terrible, and it's the one place this game innovates in a good way. You can move your bunny along the bottom to the column you want, or up the sides and fire into the row you want. It's a neat trick and handy for generating the long combos you're looking for to fill up your boogie meter and move on to the next stage, each time hoping it is the end of our long national nightmare of boogeying rabbits.
Overall, I have to say, there is definitely a market for a breezy, light game about retarded bunnies that dance like idiots. But that market is solely occupied by Rayman Raving Rabbids, and Boogie Bunnies isn't even on the same plane. If you're looking to set ten dollars on fire, just put a match to a Hamilton, tape it, and put the video on YouTube. It will be far more entertaining than actually playing Boogie Bunnies.
Graphics: Alternatingly retarded and infuriatingly incomprehensible. 1.
Sound: You'll wish your speakers were broken. 0.
Controls: Has some signs of innovation. 3.
Tilt: It's like Sierra made doo-doo butter in your mouth. 1.
Overall (not an average): 1.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
TMNT
TMNT
Ahh, a movie tie-in game. Fantastic, time to rip this game a new--what? It's not terrible in every way? Oh, well then I'll slag it down for late-era PS2 graphi-- eh? It's a joy to look at? Well then, time to rip it apart for its piss-easy challenge- what, not going to cut me off? Oh, it does take four hours to finish start-to-end with no replay. Well then.
The new TMNT movie was suprisingly good; not nearly as much so as the original Elias Koteas vehicle (which holds up shockingly well today, especially the puppetry), but an exceptional bright spot on the long, CGI-laden wave of 'kiddy flicks.' The game is no different- it's pleasant enough, above average with a few shameless nods to better games, but does nothing to really make it a hidden gem.
Graphically it moves like a Ninja Gaiden; most of the animations make you feel like a gimped Ryu Hayabusa, which is not the worst thing they could've shot for. There's great subtle color-coded pathing to keep you headed towards the path you need to be on (though it's mostly pointless as unfortunately TMNT is a game world where two-foot high bushes and chain-link fences make effective walls against masters of ninjitsu. The game employs a sort of quasi-cel-shaded effect for the characters, and bears a pretty effective likeness to the movie, which you basically replay over a few hours time.
The sound effects are pretty much canned through-and-through, and while Splinter's occasional voice-over hints are nicely done, the constant angsty internal monologue the turtles keep during gameplay is aggrivating. Music is straight from the movie's soundtrack, with no throwbacks to either the beat-em-up or cartoon that spawned it. This is a game determined to ignore its pedigree.
Controlling the turtles is actually pretty fun the first time through- they have wall-running, sheer-rock-face-climbing and nunchuck-wave-gliding down and it is fun to do. Unfortunately, you'll spend most of your time just holding up and running forward. Absent any real challenge (enemies only spawn at pre-set "Fight Scene" locations), you're left with a long slog through pretty and generally non-repetitive but completely useless hallways.
In the end, with about five hours of boring gameplay, TMNT ends up being a very pretty, very long interactive movie. I heartily recommend watching the new movie, but the new game gets a pass - unless you're an achievement grinder, as every achievement is storyline-based and you will get all 1000G from a single evening's gameplay.
Graphics: The game shines here, the locations are varied and well-integrated with the design ethic. 4.
Sound: Repetitive sword-swings and "hi-ya!"s when you jump get old fast. 1.
Controls: Actually pretty fun, but the lack of a chance to test your skills gimps it. 2.
Tilt: Challenge-free fun. Play it for a night on a rental or GameFly, never think of it again. 1.
Overall (not an average): 1
Ahh, a movie tie-in game. Fantastic, time to rip this game a new--what? It's not terrible in every way? Oh, well then I'll slag it down for late-era PS2 graphi-- eh? It's a joy to look at? Well then, time to rip it apart for its piss-easy challenge- what, not going to cut me off? Oh, it does take four hours to finish start-to-end with no replay. Well then.
The new TMNT movie was suprisingly good; not nearly as much so as the original Elias Koteas vehicle (which holds up shockingly well today, especially the puppetry), but an exceptional bright spot on the long, CGI-laden wave of 'kiddy flicks.' The game is no different- it's pleasant enough, above average with a few shameless nods to better games, but does nothing to really make it a hidden gem.
Graphically it moves like a Ninja Gaiden; most of the animations make you feel like a gimped Ryu Hayabusa, which is not the worst thing they could've shot for. There's great subtle color-coded pathing to keep you headed towards the path you need to be on (though it's mostly pointless as unfortunately TMNT is a game world where two-foot high bushes and chain-link fences make effective walls against masters of ninjitsu. The game employs a sort of quasi-cel-shaded effect for the characters, and bears a pretty effective likeness to the movie, which you basically replay over a few hours time.
The sound effects are pretty much canned through-and-through, and while Splinter's occasional voice-over hints are nicely done, the constant angsty internal monologue the turtles keep during gameplay is aggrivating. Music is straight from the movie's soundtrack, with no throwbacks to either the beat-em-up or cartoon that spawned it. This is a game determined to ignore its pedigree.
Controlling the turtles is actually pretty fun the first time through- they have wall-running, sheer-rock-face-climbing and nunchuck-wave-gliding down and it is fun to do. Unfortunately, you'll spend most of your time just holding up and running forward. Absent any real challenge (enemies only spawn at pre-set "Fight Scene" locations), you're left with a long slog through pretty and generally non-repetitive but completely useless hallways.
In the end, with about five hours of boring gameplay, TMNT ends up being a very pretty, very long interactive movie. I heartily recommend watching the new movie, but the new game gets a pass - unless you're an achievement grinder, as every achievement is storyline-based and you will get all 1000G from a single evening's gameplay.
Graphics: The game shines here, the locations are varied and well-integrated with the design ethic. 4.
Sound: Repetitive sword-swings and "hi-ya!"s when you jump get old fast. 1.
Controls: Actually pretty fun, but the lack of a chance to test your skills gimps it. 2.
Tilt: Challenge-free fun. Play it for a night on a rental or GameFly, never think of it again. 1.
Overall (not an average): 1
Monday, April 5, 2010
NFL Tour
NFL Tour
At some point, you have to just roll up a newspaper, smack every game on the nose and yell "No! Bad Video Game! We do not do that in the living room!" With NFL Tour, that moment happens about six minutes into the game. It's just terrible in every way, an attempt at a street-ball style that fails on every level, despite having its puppy heart in the right place.
NFL Tour starts out hopefully enough, with slick graphics and character models- the face models look great and even zoomed out to field view you can easily recognize the faces of the NFL's biggest stars. But then you realize the backgrounds and repetitive fields have the confetti-crowd repetition of, at best, an end-of-generation Playstation 1 game. The fireworks shows are canned and superimposed, lacking any of the dynamism of next-gen physics-based effects that are the hallmark of high-quality games.
The players chatter and trash-talk with appropriate voice work, and Trey Wingo snarks through the play-by-play, but unfortunately there's not a whole lot to hear. After one game, you'll have heard everything the announcer has to offer - twice. It's just depressing because Trey Wingo's lines are actually funny, but unfortunately there are so few of them that the laughs stop about halfway into the second quarter. Scott Van Pelt's work on Zombie Ninja Pro-Am is much better, and both are eclipsed by Frank Caliendo's absent-minded Madden impersonation in Blitz II, which is leaps and bounds better than Tour as a street-ball game.
The controls and playbook both take a massive step back in the name of "simple, arcadey play," nailing the simplism and completely forgetting to offer any arcadey action. Running is worthless and passing is mindless. The 'one-touch passing' feature is the worst possible scheme, where you key in on a receiver before the play, and have to manually cycle if he can't get open. To make the game tolerable, you'll have to switch to classic, Madden-style controls before starting. Once you have control of the ball, absent the truck stick you'll be forced to mash on the A button to bust through tackles. Of course, in the time you aren't running, another tackler will appear to knock you down anyway, so it's a moot quick-time event.
When there's only 9 total plays to pick from, though, you don't have to worry too much about picking the wrong play. They're all the wrong play, except "All Go." Just live by "All Go," and score on every posession. The game has a few extra atrocious minigames you will play once for the Gamerscore and then never look at again. It's just depressing because EA has the exclusive NFL license, yet because of that feels the need to innovate is completely absent. Hopefully Blitz II will put up the sales on the scoreboard to make EA come out with a true streetball game, but NFL Tour is definitely not that game.
Graphics: The characters look great, but the backgrounds and crowds are atrocious. 2.
Sound: Genuinely funny commentary - for about six minutes. Then, it's just grating. 1.
Controls: Weak, and the default setting is unplayable out of the box. 0.
Tilt: For about ten minutes, it's kinda fun, but you very soon regret the purchase. 1.
Overall (not an average): 1.
At some point, you have to just roll up a newspaper, smack every game on the nose and yell "No! Bad Video Game! We do not do that in the living room!" With NFL Tour, that moment happens about six minutes into the game. It's just terrible in every way, an attempt at a street-ball style that fails on every level, despite having its puppy heart in the right place.
NFL Tour starts out hopefully enough, with slick graphics and character models- the face models look great and even zoomed out to field view you can easily recognize the faces of the NFL's biggest stars. But then you realize the backgrounds and repetitive fields have the confetti-crowd repetition of, at best, an end-of-generation Playstation 1 game. The fireworks shows are canned and superimposed, lacking any of the dynamism of next-gen physics-based effects that are the hallmark of high-quality games.
The players chatter and trash-talk with appropriate voice work, and Trey Wingo snarks through the play-by-play, but unfortunately there's not a whole lot to hear. After one game, you'll have heard everything the announcer has to offer - twice. It's just depressing because Trey Wingo's lines are actually funny, but unfortunately there are so few of them that the laughs stop about halfway into the second quarter. Scott Van Pelt's work on Zombie Ninja Pro-Am is much better, and both are eclipsed by Frank Caliendo's absent-minded Madden impersonation in Blitz II, which is leaps and bounds better than Tour as a street-ball game.
The controls and playbook both take a massive step back in the name of "simple, arcadey play," nailing the simplism and completely forgetting to offer any arcadey action. Running is worthless and passing is mindless. The 'one-touch passing' feature is the worst possible scheme, where you key in on a receiver before the play, and have to manually cycle if he can't get open. To make the game tolerable, you'll have to switch to classic, Madden-style controls before starting. Once you have control of the ball, absent the truck stick you'll be forced to mash on the A button to bust through tackles. Of course, in the time you aren't running, another tackler will appear to knock you down anyway, so it's a moot quick-time event.
When there's only 9 total plays to pick from, though, you don't have to worry too much about picking the wrong play. They're all the wrong play, except "All Go." Just live by "All Go," and score on every posession. The game has a few extra atrocious minigames you will play once for the Gamerscore and then never look at again. It's just depressing because EA has the exclusive NFL license, yet because of that feels the need to innovate is completely absent. Hopefully Blitz II will put up the sales on the scoreboard to make EA come out with a true streetball game, but NFL Tour is definitely not that game.
Graphics: The characters look great, but the backgrounds and crowds are atrocious. 2.
Sound: Genuinely funny commentary - for about six minutes. Then, it's just grating. 1.
Controls: Weak, and the default setting is unplayable out of the box. 0.
Tilt: For about ten minutes, it's kinda fun, but you very soon regret the purchase. 1.
Overall (not an average): 1.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
King Kong
Peter Jackson's King Kong the Official Game of the Movie
I guess it isn't really fair to label this game an abomination. For its time, as basically a launch title for the 360, it does sport some impressive character models, not-atrocious acting, and it certainly has moments of greatness.
But, from the ludicrous full title on down, this game is a mish-mash of missed opportunities, poor design and outright bad play. The death knell to the game comes from the moment the first cut scene ends and you assume control of your player-character... and it isn't Kong. This game features completely straight-forward play, the worst of the worst in on-rails first-person action, with the occasional "get red key, open red door" action. The backgrounds are an endless sea of re-used backgrounds and flora, the worst I've seen since the Library in Halo. The game has survival elements in that you have to conserve ammuntion because the endless rib-bones available are more than useless (they cause no melee damage, only when thrown), but some enemies are mysteriously invincible to bullets and can only be hurt by native weaponry. Then again, every few stages your skillfully stored-up ammunition is all stripped from you, so why bother saving ammo?
The game becomes absolutely fantastic the moment you gain control of King Kong, though, offering a smorgasboard of racing-style tree swinging chases and brutal, violent combat (V-Rex assassinations are particularly satisfying), but you almost don't want to fight the bosses because it means you're about to return to playing as Jack, the worthless human. You're left wondering why the whole game didn't just eschew the humans and go for "GTA: Skull Island."
The controls are painfully slow: you walk at a snail's pace, you turn even slower, the unintuitive buttons are mapped badly and not adjustable. The gunplay is uninspired, hit location irrelevant, and melee nonexistant. The complaint that it is little more than an interactive movie is very apt; there's very little in the way of overarching goals or multiple paths to solve a puzzle, though occasionally you can brute-force a solution instead of following instructions, though this occasionally will cause the NPCs to ignore the trigger to advance the plot.
All these complaints ignore the most important detractor: length. This game is 6 hours long, with next to zero replayability (though a welcome level-select screen did allow me to replay the Kong chase scene, which again is really the highlight of the title). As a $60 title, this would leave a terrible taste in mouth; thank God it was only a GameFly rental for me.
Graphics: Backgrounds and common enemies are repetitive, but Kong himself looks great, as do most NPCs. 2.
Sound: Mostly absent. Appropriate hisses and rustles abound, but it's unmemorable. 2.
Controls: Atrocious. Everything is slow and plodding, and you're either button-mashing (Kong stages) or endlessly fighting a slow-moving, slow-turning Jack. 1.
Tilt: It's just like the Peter Jackson movie: Long, boring, occasionally aggrivating, with a few awesome scenes mixed in. 1.
Overall (not an average): 1.
I guess it isn't really fair to label this game an abomination. For its time, as basically a launch title for the 360, it does sport some impressive character models, not-atrocious acting, and it certainly has moments of greatness.
But, from the ludicrous full title on down, this game is a mish-mash of missed opportunities, poor design and outright bad play. The death knell to the game comes from the moment the first cut scene ends and you assume control of your player-character... and it isn't Kong. This game features completely straight-forward play, the worst of the worst in on-rails first-person action, with the occasional "get red key, open red door" action. The backgrounds are an endless sea of re-used backgrounds and flora, the worst I've seen since the Library in Halo. The game has survival elements in that you have to conserve ammuntion because the endless rib-bones available are more than useless (they cause no melee damage, only when thrown), but some enemies are mysteriously invincible to bullets and can only be hurt by native weaponry. Then again, every few stages your skillfully stored-up ammunition is all stripped from you, so why bother saving ammo?
The game becomes absolutely fantastic the moment you gain control of King Kong, though, offering a smorgasboard of racing-style tree swinging chases and brutal, violent combat (V-Rex assassinations are particularly satisfying), but you almost don't want to fight the bosses because it means you're about to return to playing as Jack, the worthless human. You're left wondering why the whole game didn't just eschew the humans and go for "GTA: Skull Island."
The controls are painfully slow: you walk at a snail's pace, you turn even slower, the unintuitive buttons are mapped badly and not adjustable. The gunplay is uninspired, hit location irrelevant, and melee nonexistant. The complaint that it is little more than an interactive movie is very apt; there's very little in the way of overarching goals or multiple paths to solve a puzzle, though occasionally you can brute-force a solution instead of following instructions, though this occasionally will cause the NPCs to ignore the trigger to advance the plot.
All these complaints ignore the most important detractor: length. This game is 6 hours long, with next to zero replayability (though a welcome level-select screen did allow me to replay the Kong chase scene, which again is really the highlight of the title). As a $60 title, this would leave a terrible taste in mouth; thank God it was only a GameFly rental for me.
Graphics: Backgrounds and common enemies are repetitive, but Kong himself looks great, as do most NPCs. 2.
Sound: Mostly absent. Appropriate hisses and rustles abound, but it's unmemorable. 2.
Controls: Atrocious. Everything is slow and plodding, and you're either button-mashing (Kong stages) or endlessly fighting a slow-moving, slow-turning Jack. 1.
Tilt: It's just like the Peter Jackson movie: Long, boring, occasionally aggrivating, with a few awesome scenes mixed in. 1.
Overall (not an average): 1.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Yaris
Yaris
Yaris is an interesting proof-of-concept: Can we completely subvertise a product in a game, and convince gamers to play it? Answer: No, not with this game at least.
The old adage "no such thing as bad press" is proven wrong, as the horrific controls of this game make it a nearly-unplayable mess, and make me want to not buy a Toyota Yaris, especially if giant green sumos on mini-bikes are going to wave their arms at me as iPods with angel wings fire concentric blue rings at me.
And that's the problem with Yaris: There's certainly a fantastic game there, hiding underneath. But it isn't underneath shameless and blatant product plugging; for all its maligned "adverware" titling, the Toyota tie-in is the least of this game's problems.Set in a gray, featureless tube you must roll down, shooting at enemies with your gun that is held by a freakish tendril affixed to the roof of your car. And the enemies are creative, varied and esoteric (the aformentioned sumos-on-minibikes, angel iPods, spiders made of gas station hoses), but ultimately with the aim-assisted tendril-cannon, you end up just racing in a straight line, holding down fire.There's certainly a market for a trippy futuristic halfpipe racer on XBox Live, along the lines of WipeOut, and Yaris is deeply disappointing just because it could have been that game, but it lacks the sense of speed that future racers are known for, and the muddy, unresponsive controls detract further from that sense of movement. And if I thought I could *zoom* down alien corridors in my Yaris, maybe when I was looking for new cars, I might swing by the Toyota dealership, which would be the ultimate goal of the game, anyway.
In the end, Yaris is a great concept, but with *deeply* flawed execution. I cannot stress enough how un-fun the game is to play, and it isn't because of the adverware roots of the game; the gameplay is bad and slow, with no sense of actually "racing" so much as just barely rolling. It's a shame because the relative failure of Yaris will probably steer other companies away from releasing Adverware, which is a net loss for gamers, most of whom are (hopefully) too savvy to be swayed by viral marketing such as this, but would certainly play and enjoy a good game that was free and plastered with ads.
Composite Rating (not an average) : 1
Graphics: 2
Sound: 3
Controls: 1
Tilt: 2
Yaris is an interesting proof-of-concept: Can we completely subvertise a product in a game, and convince gamers to play it? Answer: No, not with this game at least.
The old adage "no such thing as bad press" is proven wrong, as the horrific controls of this game make it a nearly-unplayable mess, and make me want to not buy a Toyota Yaris, especially if giant green sumos on mini-bikes are going to wave their arms at me as iPods with angel wings fire concentric blue rings at me.
And that's the problem with Yaris: There's certainly a fantastic game there, hiding underneath. But it isn't underneath shameless and blatant product plugging; for all its maligned "adverware" titling, the Toyota tie-in is the least of this game's problems.Set in a gray, featureless tube you must roll down, shooting at enemies with your gun that is held by a freakish tendril affixed to the roof of your car. And the enemies are creative, varied and esoteric (the aformentioned sumos-on-minibikes, angel iPods, spiders made of gas station hoses), but ultimately with the aim-assisted tendril-cannon, you end up just racing in a straight line, holding down fire.There's certainly a market for a trippy futuristic halfpipe racer on XBox Live, along the lines of WipeOut, and Yaris is deeply disappointing just because it could have been that game, but it lacks the sense of speed that future racers are known for, and the muddy, unresponsive controls detract further from that sense of movement. And if I thought I could *zoom* down alien corridors in my Yaris, maybe when I was looking for new cars, I might swing by the Toyota dealership, which would be the ultimate goal of the game, anyway.
In the end, Yaris is a great concept, but with *deeply* flawed execution. I cannot stress enough how un-fun the game is to play, and it isn't because of the adverware roots of the game; the gameplay is bad and slow, with no sense of actually "racing" so much as just barely rolling. It's a shame because the relative failure of Yaris will probably steer other companies away from releasing Adverware, which is a net loss for gamers, most of whom are (hopefully) too savvy to be swayed by viral marketing such as this, but would certainly play and enjoy a good game that was free and plastered with ads.
Composite Rating (not an average) : 1
Graphics: 2
Sound: 3
Controls: 1
Tilt: 2
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